You guys…just look at how ridiculous these notes are. I italicized the parts I especially like. It’s incredibly interesting to read these from years ago and see what I still believe to be true and what I have a totally different opinion about now. Also to see what I thought I might be doing at this point in my life. Heh. I was way off.
“The Rock” January 17, 2007 at 10:36 am
Ok, guys. Here’s the deal. The other night I had a dream. This is how it happened:
My cell phone rang, and the caller ID said “The Rock.” I answered the phone, pretending not to know who was calling, even though we were obviously old friends.
“Hello? Who is this?” I asked.
The caller answered, “Hey, Hannah! It’s Duane. I’m going to be in town tomorrow and I just wanted to call and see if you wanted to go out to lunch with me.”
Playing it cool, “Oh, sure, that’s sounds pretty good.”
“Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow, bye.”
It’s the next day, and there’s an assembly at school and Duane Johnson (The Rock, aka my BFF from somewhere in the past) was giving a presentation of some sort. He was with some baseball players, and Derek Jeter was there as well. Derek somehow spotted Hannah Clark and asked to take her to lunch. Of course she said yes.
I don’t know what happened during my lunch with The Rock. All I remember is that it was raining and his dark green car had the top down, but it wasn’t wet in the car.
Then somewhere in there the dream shifted and I was chasing goats out of a valley.
“Tagging pressure is overwhelming, so just read this if you have an interest. It’s for whoever wants it. “November 17, 2010 at 12:30 am
There are all kinds of synapses happening in my thoughtheadbrain right now. I’m not really certain how to straighten them out, but I guess if they aren’t “adding up” I’m just gonna leave it be, ’cause why mess with the natural process?
What I can say, however, is that there are a lot of things to me that are beautiful and sad at the same time, right now in this instant. My mind is simultaneously glossing over the universe as I recognize it in its entirety, the bed that I’m laying in and the dog that’s sleeping next to me, the parts that make up an atom, and everything in between. Taking these images, my feelingheartthingy is trying to make the decision of whether or not I believe the world is overall a good or overall a bad place, or if its neither of these.
I am whole and empty. And no, I don’t need to find Christ. Stop coming to my house, Mormons. Seriously. The air is thick with your agenda, and this makes me uncomfortable. I’m trying to be a better person everyday and emanate GENUINE care, kindness, and concern (but honestly, sometimes it’s impossible for me to give a shit).
I’m not sure if the kind of escape I’m looking for is possible. There are so many fucking people on this planet. And unfortunately, the few that are fucking things up are fucking it up for the many who are just trying to fucking survive. Fuckfuckfuck.
I love you all. Spread that love ’round.
“Some thoughts on mah brain” June 3, 2010 at 1:36 pm
It’s interesting how life can flip-flop so easily. Just a week ago I was in such a low, horrible place that I didn’t know when things would look up. We had a family tragedy, and there was some shitty personal stuff going on in my life as well. After several days of awesome quality family time, and some time away from Manhattan, things are already turning around and life is awesome. There are shitty things that happen, but for me they never seem to last too terribly long. Something always changes in the nick of time.
I have been spending plenty of time alone, which is great. It’s important to get those times to yourself until you get so sick of yourself that you have to be with people. I have been cleaning, cooking, and sewing (which isn’t going too fantastically because of freakin’ elastic thread – ugh!) a lot lately and it’s been really good for mah soul. I rearranged my room a little bit, and I think that has made me dream a lot more at night, oddly.
So now everything has calmed down, at least for the time being. I am excited about future endeavors, such a yard sale this summer (if you need bookshelves, a desk, or a big ol’ bed, please come), taking a class this summer that can hog all of my scholarly attention, moving at the end of July, living with two awesome chicks, and taking a ceramics class at the end of the summer.
I miss my dear ol’ Hanny and Leah, but it’s wonderful they are each doing things that make them so happy, and I am proud of them (even though I’m incredibly lonely without them).
I hope everyone has a great summer, no matter what you are doing with your time. Do things for yourself; this is the perfect time to be selfish. Don’t distance yourself too much though, as friendly companionship contributes a whole lot to who you are as a person.
I love you guys.
“Something cool” May 13, 2010 at 4:16 pm
I realized another awesome reason to not drive a car, but bike or walk instead. I was walking to work today and spotted good ol’ Sarah Stokes riding her bike, and only mere minutes later did I come across Ryan Fronk. What a beautiful thing! Had we been driving our cars, we wouldn’t have been able to talk to one another, and it’s possible that we wouldn’t even have noticed each other. This is such a great way to bump into people and have a nice, friendly, and unexpected chat with old friends.
Favorite part of me day. Including finishing my last final.
It is also nice when you are walking, and a friend drives by you, stops, and offers you a ride. Friendship and love and all that stuff.
“Hale Library on a Wednesday afternoon…” April 7, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Well, I’m at a crossroads.
I have made a basic decision about what I am doing for my Senior Honors Thesis, which is very good, since I’ll need to have that taken care of in order to graduate with Honors. Hooray!
However, this leads me to think beyond graduating from K-State and what the hell I want to do afterward. Initially upon entering University I figured I’d go to graduate school because an undergraduate degree standing alone isn’t what it used to be. At one point I considered going all the way and getting my doctorate to become a professor at a university somewhere, simply because I could not stand teaching elementary, middle, or high school children/crappy teens. That plan has been debunked (probably) since I have been a TA this semester and don’t think I would enjoy that a whole lot.
Since my TA gig has made clear to me that I am doubtful I would enjoy being in a teaching position, I have considered traveling after college. This seems to be a common thought-process for college students, as young people in general want to travel the world at some point in their lives (especially if they have been in the same town practically their entire lives and have never been out of the country… *cough*ME*cough*).
I was thinking I could get rid of all of my belongings but for my bed, and anything that could fit into the cedar chest my mom is giving me. I would buy a bike, trade my car for a small truck, and be able to fit everything I owned in the bed of the truck and just go. I know enough people living in several different states that I feel I could be secure going and living somewhere near those people for a short time. My aunt in Iowa (I don’t know why I’d want to live in Iowa, but why not?), Dan and Justin in California, cousins in Arkansas and South Dakota, ol’ Hanny in Wyoming, Leah in Illinois (if she stays), and the list could go on and on. I think that would be the basic motivation and reason for me to move to another town – if someone I know is nearby so I wouldn’t be completely helpless in an emergency. This sounds like a great time to me. Move around from state to state, working as I go to live on the smallest amount I possibly can.
While this all sounds great, liberating, fanciful, and all that, anyone could roll their eyes at me and tell me it’s unrealistic. Now I’m beginning to believe that. I have known people to do things similar to this, but for some reason there is always something that blocks me from doing things that other people seem to be able to do so easily, like study abroad. That think is ALWAYS finances. No matter what.
This leads me to another point (yes, I am rambling now but I hope to tie in all these elements in a relevant way). I have also been considering lately how little I enjoy spending so much time to make money just to spend it. I work as a TA and at the library, make about $600 a month, and for some reason, I am always broke. I haven’t bought anything from the Gap in A LONG time, and I don’t throw my money down the drain. However, I always find myself back at the starting point and can never get ahead. This has made me want to live in a place where the value of currency is not viewed how it is in the United States. There are so many places around the world in which people’s social security is just that – SOCIAL. People build relationships and that is how they live. “Money” has no value. It’s nonexistent. People here express their individualism with the things they buy, and how they dress themselves. There are places where people express who they are by having less and less things to show their giving nature. That sounds like a place where I would like to live.
So, to wrap this up, the only conclusions I have come to about what to do after graduation don’t really have anything to do with WHAT I’m going to DO. I haven’t decided what to DO.
But I do know what kind of person I want to BE. Does that not matter just as much, and maybe more than getting degree after degree to prove who you are? Nawmsayin?
I would like some feedback from you people. You’re smart. I wanna know what y’all think about shit.
“I need some help.” February 3, 2010 at 5:33 pm
I think I have started dressing like my mom…
Hahaha that last one is my favorite. I still have that fear occasionally.